What is next for the Green Party? It should propose legalising polygamous marriage.

Photo credit: The Men with Many Wives, Channel 4.

How should the Green Party maintain momentum after their historic win in Gorton and Denton? Easy. Legalise polygamous marriage.

Green Party candidate Hannah Spencer, a local plumber and councillor defeated Reform UK and Labour, which finished second and third respectively. This is the Greens’ first-ever by-election victory and the first Commons seat for the party in the north of England. Labour’s share collapsed by roughly half compared with the 2024 general election.

Right now some people honestly think the Green Party’s new coalition — youth activists, progressive urbanites and a growing bloc of Muslim voters — is going to be tricky to hold together in the lead-up to the general election. After all, the glue that is Gaza activism won’t last forever. So, what next?

Here’s a free policy suggestion for Zach Polanski: legalise polygamous marriage. Think about it: this could unify the coalition. Progressive, purple-haired, polyamorous, polygender voters would love it. And traditional men from certain South Asian communities would love it too.

They might have to ask what the women from those communities think. Then again, as Sky News’ Sam Coates recently discovered when asking female members of the ‘South Asian community’ about their voting intentions, the reply was: “No, my husband deals with that.” So asking them is a minor and unnecessary detail, surely — especially compared with the electoral bonanza this could unleash. It would do wonders for family voting and the Green vote might multiply exponentially.

In all seriousness, the by-election has raised concerns about sectarian voting and family voting. Voters appeared to coalesce primarily along cultural lines. This impression was reinforced by the Greens’ campaign ad in Urdu, focusing on issues such as Gaza and Islamophobia. When I first saw it I thought it was a comedy meme. It was real.

Not a comedy meme.

Independent observer group Democracy Volunteers reported unusually high levels of family voting, allegedly affecting about 12% of observed voters and appearing in 68% of polling stations. These are the highest levels recorded by the group in a decade of monitoring UK elections. Manchester City Council disputed that any incidents were formally reported during polling hours. Critics, including Nigel Farage of Reform UK, labelled the result a “victory for sectarian voting and cheating”.

Sky News’ Sam Coates and other journalists noted the phenomenon of wives deferring to husbands before casting their ballots. While he seemed a little surprise, it wasn’t news to most of us. The result is that in a country which considers the secret ballot sacrosanct, thanks to a unsuccessful integration we now have immigrant husbands overseeing their wives voting, or perhaps an older family member watching a younger one mark their paper.

Meanwhile, what has happened to the Green Party’s actual green policies? In Spencer’s victory speech she did not talk about environmental or climate action. Instead, she blamed billionaire’s for bleeding people dry (actually, no look further than our tax burden) and asserted that “working hard should get you a nice life” — a vague and rather unsophisticated aspiration which would differ wildly between left-wing urban activists, parents in large families, young professionals, and conservative Muslim voters.

Green politics has reached new levels of childishness. These people are not grown up enough to vote responsibly, let alone stand as MPs.

When Spencer was pressed about the 2017 Manchester Arena bombing during a televised hustings with Reform UK’s Matt Goodwin, she claimed terrorism happens because “people like you are dividing people.” She deliberately sidestepped the real cause — violent Islamist extremism — and shifted blame onto her political opponent. It is a cowardly and misleading framing, unfit for serious public discourse.

This kumbaya, “don’t-be-divisive” approach is consistent with the party’s other messaging, including the Urdu ad — an acknowledgment of constituency divisions while attempting to appeal to them simultaneously. Spencer even went so far as to dance to an Arabic song called “My Blood is Palestinian” on her way to the polls. (Shared by Marxist Political Economist Gaza flag emoji waving Ashok Kumar on X.) Whether or not she understood the lyrics, the gesture underscores how the Greens are increasingly reliant on cultural signalling to maintain their coalition.

I’m sure she had no idea of the Arab lyrics but, even if she had, I doubt she would have objected. The Green Party is an unholy marriage of useful idiots and Islamists — she’s not only dancing to Arab lyrics she doesn’t understand, she’s also dancing to the tune of the Muslim voting bloc.

So, yes — a policy to legalise polygamous marriage really is the next logical step in this carnival of politics. It would be a symbolic unifier for a coalition built on incompatible interests, before the Greens are forced to answer deeper philosophical and political questions.