The Devouring Mother After Divorce

When love becomes a psychological leash

Divorce is a fracture, a splitting of lives, homes, and promises. It’s raw and painful. But not all divorces are equal. Fathers often have the bad reputation, cast as the deadbeats, the abandoners, the ones who walk away. If you’ve lived through the other side, though, you know it’s not always that simple.

I’m writing this because another story deserves air too — when a mother, in the aftermath, wields her children as tools to punish the father.

In myths and psychology, the 'devouring mother' is a term for an archetype coined by Carl Jung, one who overprotects, controls, and ultimately stifles her child's ability to mature into an independent adult.

In the context of a narcissistic wife who is also a mother, this archetype becomes particularly significant. A narcissistic mother’s need for control and validation can transform into a devouring force, where she manipulates her children to maintain control and inflict damage on her ex-husband. The sad risk is that she stunts her child’s path to adulthood.

Weaponising custody

Shared custody sounds fair — half the week here, half there. But a devouring mother turns it into a tug-of-war where she always pulls harder. ‘He’s got a sniffle, best he stays with me this weekend’ or ‘School’s too hectic for a midweek handover’ or ‘I’ve signed her up to a new club that means she has to be here extra days’. She’s not just keeping them close, she’s edging the father out, visit by visit. He’s left scrabbling for scraps of time, his role shrinking to a guest appearance. The children are meant to deduce that their father is peripheral and their mother is central. Shared custody is already difficult, but rather than the children learn to navigate two worlds, they are kept tightly orbiting hers, denied a vital relationship with the father.

Pulling pursestrings

Demanding more money — beyond what’s reasonable — becomes a way to keep him on the hook. ‘If he cared, he’d buy you this, or take you there.’ It’s less about the money and more about ensuring that the father is continually bending to her will, under the guise of ‘providing for the children’. The intention can be to portray dad as a deadbeat, a useless debtor, a disappointment. The mother’s need to control the narrative is more important than giving the child a chance to see their father as a provider.

Poisoning the well

Few things are more damaging than a mother who badmouths the father to her children. She drops comments like, ‘Your dad left us’, ‘He’s too busy with his new wife to spend time with you’ or 'I’m the only one who truly makes sacrifices for you’. These statements chip away at the child's trust in their father as well as fostering guilt for loving him. Loving their dad becomes a secret to be hidden from their mother. The child feels torn between two loyalties, and learns that love is conditional and manipulated rather than steady and secure.

A threat to her throne

When the father moves on, the devouring mother ensures the children view his new partner with suspicion or outright hostility. The smallest noise of discontent uttered by the child is magnified and leveraged, and a narrative is created. ‘She’s only with him for the cash’, ‘She treats you and her own children differently’ or ‘Does it feel like her house, not your house?’ Personality flaws are exaggerated and caricaturised. The mother paints a villain and the child is cast in the role of critic. This goes beyond jealousy, it’s a bid to keep the child loyal to her alone. Instead of adapting to a blended life, children are taught to pick sides which damages their openness to new relationships and their ability to trust.