Rebel Hearts: a second marriage is the ultimate counter-cultural statement

From my honeymoon, I reflect on being one of the new conservative cool kids.

I’m publishing this article from the Atacama Desert in Chile, basking in the springtime warmth of these climes and the contentment of being on my honeymoon — my second honeymoon, to be exact.

‘Why are you getting married — again?’ asked one friend when we announced our engagement. You can imagine the reams of questions we fielded as a middle-aged couple planning to trot down the aisle for the second time. And talking of aisles, the choice of church was surprisingly controversial — ‘You’re not God people — are you?’ And, ‘You’re not going to change your name, Laura, are you?’ Etcetera, etcetera.

I can understand the cynicism. Many see marriage as a fading and patriarchal institution, or they prosaically see it as a costly piece of paper, or they point to divorce rates. Why commit to something that might fail? Again. And while marriage is not the only path to a loving and stable family, we do live in odd times when politicians, public figures, and even our friends, fall over themselves to critique it.

However, the beauty of a second marriage is that you’ve had time to reflect. You’re less likely to romanticise perfection and more willing to accept the complexities of another human being. He’s not perfect (sorry, darling) and neither am I.

As the adage goes, you know what you ‘did wrong’ last time — we don’t have to be doomed to repeat the same mistakes. If you’ve truly learned from your past experiences, you can apply that knowledge now in ways that strengthen your relationship. Second marriages aren’t about fixing what went wrong the first time — they’re about building something new, grounded in everything you’ve learned from both your successes and your mistakes. And believe me, those mistakes are the best teachers.

This is not just rose-tinted idealism but is borne out by the statistics too. While 42% of marriages in England and Wales end in divorce, people who have been married before are much less likely to get divorced if they marry again.

The Atacama Desert, Chile

The overall divorce rate is actually falling too, possibly because people marry later and cohabit first, so they are more mature and have more relationship experience. The lower divorce rate may also mask the number of cohabiting people who separate. But perhaps we can allow ourselves to don rose-tinted spectacles and dare to hope that marriages are enduring because people want to be married?

Another wonderful thing about second marriages is that they often come with a broader sense of purpose when children are involved. My husband and I both feel sadness that our first marriages failed and our children experienced divorce and broken families. Nobody wants to put their kids through this. I know I didn’t, coming from a broken home myself. A second marriage is an opportunity to model love and relationship to your children, as well as provide the foundations of a happy family, the anchor that fosters emotional stability and (often) better psychological outcomes for children.

Blending families has its challenges but we’re confident that we’ll overcome these with a calm commitment to marriage and family because love wins.

Second time round is devoid of youthful audacious optimism and foolish romanticism; it’s about creating a strong foundation for us as individuals, our family, and, by extension, society. If that sounds dry, something about it feels oddly subversive too — marriage, once the bedrock of tradition, has become a counter-cultural statement.

In our peculiar modern era, this has been taken to the inevitable extreme — sologamy is a ‘thing’ and some people (normally women) are choosing to marry themselves. (Do you ever get the feeling it’s all about the dress?) In such times, choosing to marry (another person) feels almost rebellious. Today’s conservatives are the cool kids.

Some of our guests were surprised we opted for such a traditional religious wedding ceremony, but aside from the spiritual purpose, ceremonies serve important functions in human life. To take part in one of life’s important rituals affirms the value of our lives. Even those guests who are not ‘God people’ were moved by the vows and choral music. It wasn’t just a celebration of love and marriage, but also of tradition and wider community. You don’t have to be a Christian to enjoy belting out ‘Jerusalem’.

After everything I have said about family, let me tell you, honeymoons are wasted on first-time newlyweds. They don't even have kids yet! Second time round, I can promise you we are squeezing every quantum of pleasure, relaxation, and adventure from this two weeks sans famille.

Speaking of which, I will return now to my honeymoon and resume Substacking at the beginning of November. After all, this is my last honeymoon…