Keir Starmer’s Meat Metaphors: The Grilling We Didn't See Coming

It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times. As the Labour Party conference wrapped up on 24th September, UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer took to the stage to deliver what should have been a serious and sombre speech. Instead, he gave us a verbal slip that will go down in the annals of political gaffes alongside Joe Biden’s ‘You ain’t black’ and Ed Milliband’s mouthful of bacon sandwich. Starmer, in a moment of deep sincerity, called for the return of ‘the sausages—the hostages’ held by Hamas.

Yes, you heard that right. Hostages, those poor souls who have been subjected to the horrors of captivity, were accidentally referred to as something you'd throw on the BBQ at a summer party. Naturally, social media had a field day with this meaty mistake, but the oddness of the slip was compounded just a day later. Speaking at the United Nations Security Council in New York, Starmer again turned to food metaphors, criticising Russia for treating its citizens ‘as bits of meat to fling into the grinder.’

Now, before we dive into why the Prime Minister seems to be channelling his inner butcher, let's pause to acknowledge that these are serious issues. Hostages in Gaza and the tragedy of the Ukraine conflict are no laughing matter. But when a seasoned politician starts making repeated references to people as processed meat products, one can't help but wonder: what’s going on in Keir’s head? Is it just an unfortunate coincidence, or is something more Freudian afoot? Starmer isn’t just a Prime Minister with an autocue; he was a Queen’s Counsel and Director of Public Prosecutions and should be above such careless mistakes, especially when speaking on matters of grave international significance.

1. The Freudian slip sizzling away at the subconscious?

Sigmund Freud, that master of the psyche, would likely have a field day with Starmer’s newfound meat fixation. Perhaps it’s a Freudian slip, a little glimpse into the Prime Minister’s subconscious where something ruder — more sausage-shaped, shall we say? — lurks beneath the surface. If so, one wonders what dreams Starmer might be having. Is there a sausage party going on in his subconscious?

2. A deep-rooted antipathy masked by meat?

Alternatively, maybe we’re witnessing the slow unravelling of a man whose deeper psychosis and antipathy towards fellow humans is finally being revealed. Perhaps Starmer sees the world as one big butcher shop, where people are just slabs of meat to be diced and sliced by a weapon of mash destruction. It's an unsettling thought, but one that might explain why he’s tossing around meat metaphors with such reckless abandon. Does he see himself as a butcher, carving up the body politic? Or are these just the mad ramblings of a man who’s spent too long in the political sausage factory?

3. Simply hungry—for sausages, of course!

Of course, the simplest explanation is often the most likely: Keir Starmer was just hungry. Picture it—he’s been working all day, lunchtime comes and goes, and he’s left with nothing but the scent of sausages from a street vendor wafting through the conference hall. Is it any wonder that, when faced with the gravy, I mean gravity, of international conflict, his mind wanders to the sizzling sausages he so desperately craves?

4. The revelation of the method—conspiracists, rejoice!

Conspiracy theorists, those ever-vigilant guardians of the internet’s weirdest corners, will no doubt see this as the ‘Revelation of the Method’ where the truth is hidden in plain sight. Perhaps Starmer is subtly revealing the grim reality of world politics: that we’re all just meat to be processed by the powerful. Or maybe, just maybe, the sausages are a coded message, a secret signal to his fellow world leaders that it’s time for the great sausage uprising. Either way, someone’s going to need to decode this one.

5. The dead cat strategy—or should that be a hot dog?

Finally, there’s the possibility that this was all a carefully calculated move. The ‘dead cat on the table’ strategy is well known in political circles: when things are getting dull or too difficult, you throw in something outrageous to distract everyone. But maybe, in this case, the dead cat was replaced by a hot dog. If Starmer was worried that his otherwise stultifying speech was going to put everyone to sleep, what better way to wake them up than by dropping a sausage-related clanger? It worked for Boris’s bus and cheese and wine party, so why not give it a try?

6. A secret fan of dystopian horror films?

Perhaps the Prime Minister has been binge-watching dystopian horror classics like Soylent Green, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, or Sweeney Todd. If so, someone might want to suggest a lighter viewing list for the Prime Minister— perhaps something without so much, well, meat.

So, is Keir Starmer really a man of the people, or just a man in need of a good meal? Only time will tell. One thing is certain — he’s full of baloney.